


Suffocating In Your Thoughts

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Dissociation, Everyone is protective of pidge, Gen, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Kuron is Shiro (Voltron)'s Clone, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, Not coping, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Very poor coping mechanisms, emotional triggered spell, hearing others thoughts, referenced haggar, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-07-28 01:18:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16231211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: Lance has been struggling for a long time but several unlucky circumstances push him over the edge.A run in with the Galra gone wrong, however, may be the only thing that can help the other paladins save Lance's life.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Please for the love of everything, read the tags. This story is messy and painful. It was hard for me to write. But I had to because I didn't know how else to cope. This is heavily inspired by two fics which I will credit. Both are very very well written stories which I won't pretend this is.  
> Thank you so so much to @Carmailo for editing this mess for me! You're amazing.  
> Loose Ends - ididntdoit_blameitonthedragon https://archiveofourown.org/works/13941489/chapters/32093778  
> Thanks, brain, I hate it - olitherous https://archiveofourown.org/works/13040958  
> Trigger Warning: if cutting triggers you, please proceed w caution as there is a pretty triggering scene. The the time lance goes to his bedroom, feel free to skip to the dinner scene. please stay safe guys
> 
> Final note: italics are Lance's thoughts

Lance sat cross-legged on the kitchen counter, staring down at Hunk’s hand, deftly stirring the batter. He hadn’t really heard what Hunk said he was making. Not like it mattered. Whatever Hunk made was certain to be wonderful. Even his failed experiments managed to have interesting flavors that, while odd, weren’t necessarily bad. Hunk was babbling on about the project he and Pidge were working on and Lance really tried to pay attention. He did. 

He was normally able to keep up with Hunk’s conversations. He knew what most of the technical processes involved; it was just that some of the wording Pidge used tended to go over his head. Today, however... He felt terribly lost. Lance was such a bad friend. He should understand what Hunk was talking about, care enough to take interest in the things Hunk liked.

Lance didn’t know any of Hunk’s recipes. He certainly couldn’t follow the instructions without burning something.

Lance didn’t know what Hunk was talking about with his theories meant for improving their lions.

It would probably affect Voltron too. Lance should understand. He just couldn’t follow the conversation. Was Hunk using bigger words than usual? God, what was that droning noise? Had that always been there? And there was this hum, just buzzing under Lance’s fingertips. He let his eyes wander around the kitchen in an attempt to find the source of the humming. He could almost see the food-goo dispensing tubes vibrating. Was it some motor keeping it fresh, churning out the worst of the lumps? It was driving Lance crazy. 

The other droning noise was much louder. Maybe it was the engine of the castle or another mechanical process running. Did the castle have an engine? He was with the rest of the paladins when they messed with the… crystals or whatever. This whole ship ran on magic right? So what was that sound?

“Lance?” Hunk asked, hand on Lance’s leg.

He snapped his attention down, “hm?”

“Hey. When was the last time you took your medication, buddy?” Hunk asked, a wry smile on his face. Lance could see straight through it. Great. Hunk was worried.

_ Good going. You worried him. I thought we agreed not to worry any of them. Well. Answer him already, oh my God. You’re hesitating. He’s going to get more concerned. Spit it out. It’s not hard, just lie.  _

“This morning. Just like always,” Lance rubbed his upper thigh where the patch usually sat. 

“You’re still good on patches, right? Because if you start running low, Coran can help-”

_ No, don’t burden anyone. No one else needs to know. They already think so poorly of you. Can you imagine if they knew how messed up you were too? No. They’re busy anyways. They don’t have time to help you. You can take care of yourself. You’re fine.  _

“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry. I still have plenty,” Lance grinned, sliding himself down from the counter. Sitting still was making him anxious. He should go train. Hunk’s… whatever it was wasn’t going to be ready for some time. Besides, he was worrying his friend just by being around him. Hunk needed to concentrate on what he was doing, not fret over Lance’s sorry ass.

“It’s lucky you grabbed so many before we left,” Hunk reminded him.

Lance just laughed and excused himself from the room. 

Unfortunately, the training room was already occupied by Keith. God, Keith was  _ always  _ in here. Yet McMullet would get pissed at the other paladins for not being as well-trained. Hard to be training when Keith was constantly hogging the place. 

_ Don’t blame your laziness on him. If you wanted to train you should have just gotten here sooner. Shouldn’t have wasted your time in the kitchens. You’re so  _ lazy _. Just stay in bed, you’d be just as useful. _

Lance shook his head hard, trying to quiet the noise in his mind. Why was it so loud today?

Keith didn’t notice Lance watching, and it wasn’t like Lance expected him too. Keith was busy being productive, just like everyone else in the castle. 

What did Lance do for anyone? God, he was so useless. He was fucked up in the mind, with no real talents to speak of. No one needed him here. He only got to fly a lion because he’d been in the right place at the right time. 

He was never going to be some spectacular savior like the people he always aspired to be. Everyone on this team contributed something. Not him. He’d known it for some time. He was dragging everyone down when they weren’t forming Voltron. 

Oh fuck. Fuck. His arms burned. Why did they hurt so badly?

Lance looked down at his hands that had been wringing the skin on his forearms. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it. Shit. He was bleeding.

_ Get out. Get out before Keith notices. Run. Run right now. You’re so fucking useless. Can’t do  _ anything  _ right. Why’d you have to go and do that in a public space? He could have seen, someone could have seen and they’d get worried. You’d ruin everything even more. You aren’t meant to let anyone see - no one can know. It’s your fucking job to  _ help  _ people, even if you aren’t good at it. They can’t help you. Not like they’d want to. Had to go and split open your skin in public. Have a fucking meltdown right in front of someone. So  _ worthless _. So  _ pathetic _. Pull yourself together. If you run into someone… You might as well just jump out the damn airlock.  _

Lance hid in his room, turning on the lock behind him. The moment the door slid shut, he fell to his knees. He couldn’t breathe, God, he couldn’t breathe. What if the oxygen vents were malfunctioning? Could the others breathe? Was he dying? That’d be spectacular, wouldn’t it? Do everyone a favor if he died.

He was bleeding. He needed to calm down and sort that out before someone came looking for him. Not that anyone ever came looking for him. If he missed dinner would they notice?

No. He had to act natural, couldn’t risk any suspicion. No concern. He was not allowed to burden anyone with this. 

Lance had already gone and told Hunk about his ADHD and now Hunk was always so worried about it. No. No more bothering everyone with his dumb issues. He was fine.

Blood. Right. Damn, he’d stained his jacket. And his shirt. Did he have anymore long sleeve shirts?

What if someone saw the bandages he was wrapping? He shouldn’t have been wringing his arms, but the voices were just so loud and he just wanted them to stop. Lance paused in wrapping the bandages as he felt the sting from pulling just a little too tight. 

It felt so good. God. 

He let the white wrap slip from his fingers, hanging loosely from his forearm. The sight of his blood transfixed him. He missed that sight. How long had it been since he’d seen it? Three days? Four days? Too long. Normally he’d have pulled the scabs open, needing to feel something other than the burning self hatred in his gut. 

It was so good. To bleed.

His fingers twitched and he ran them along the lines marring his skin. Blood quickly stained them. He was making a mess. He was allowed to make a mess in his own room. Out of sight. Out of sight, no one around. No one came here. No one saw. No one ever saw. What would he do if they knew?

Would they even care?

They’d hate him. They’d get so mad about him hurting himself. Inflicting injuries when he was meant to be fighting a war. He was the soldier they needed. Be good, don’t complain. Everyone else had it so much worse. He had nothing to complain about. No one cared that he missed his family - at least he knew they were safe. No one cared that he was drowning in his own head.

He was so tired.

He needed this. He needed it so bad he was almost crying for it. God. Where was it - where did he leave his blade last? It hadn’t been hard to swipe one from the mall. Keith had been so busy interrogating the storeowner about his dagger. No one noticed Lance tucking a tiny switchblade into his jacket sleeve on his way to the fountain for coins.

Where was it? Damn it. Had someone found it? Had Shiro searched the rooms? What would he think of it? Maybe he thought Lance had stolen it from Keith. 

No, there it was. Under the table he kept his fan on. Safe. 

He cradled it in his hands for a moment, just admiring the sharp edge of the blade. How many times had it calmed his thoughts? 

Three… four… five... Lance lost count of each drag along his wrist. He was dripping everywhere now. Luckily, he knew how to get blood out of just about anything. Pidge thought he was just trying to salvage a favorite shirt after a messy injury in battle. Pidge was so helpful.

It took time though. He would need to wrap this disaster on his arms (so pretty, just what he deserved for being such a terrible human being. Next time  _ deeper, you never cut deep enough, such a failure. Didn’t even hurt yourself properly. Useless at your own punishment. You deserve sharper. Until all your blood spills from your arms.) _

Lance finished bandaging his arms and searched through his belongings for a shirt that was unstained. Oh. He did have another jacket. It wasn’t his favorite, didn’t sit on him as comfortably. But maybe it would rub against the cuts right, make them sting more. Just like he deserved. The arms were pretty tight on him. But too long. Covered everything well. This would do. 

He threw his dirtied clothes into his bathroom to clean later. After dinner. He was probably already running late. What time was it?

The droning sound that he had decided was probably the elevator running finally shut off. Lance sighed in relief, a hand running through his hair shakily. At least that was something. Maybe he could actually focus, at least a little, at dinner tonight.

***

Everyone was talking at once. Why were all of them having so many conversations? Lance’s head spun. He couldn’t tune any of them out. Shit. 

_ Come on keep smiling, eat faster. Don’t let them see. Don’t let them see. Are your sleeves slipping up? Keep them down. No one needs to know what a mess you are. Smile. Smile more. Is Pidge looking at you weird? Shit. She knows. No. Shut it down, Make her know that you’re fine. You’re fine.  _

Lance offered his friend - some friend he was, he never took time for her, he should do more for her - a special smile just for her. “How’s that project going?”

He should have specified. She had so many. But he couldn’t remember what Hunk had been talking about, never totally understood. Lance shouldn’t have even asked, now he definitely had her attention. Had he interrupted? Was someone else talking to her? There was so many things happening at once, he couldn’t breathe-

But then Pidge was smiling, answering his question jovially. Good. He did good, for once. But he wasn’t listening. This was practically his little sister - she reminded him so much of Maria - and he wasn’t listening. So much for doing good. He’d be asked about it later and look like an ass because he hadn’t been listening. Oh well. They thought he was stupid anyways  _ because you are, moron. You’re the dumb one. Everyone in this room is smarter than you. Bet they know just how useless you are. How long before they finally get tired of dragging you along? How long before they just ditch you on some planet? You better stop messing up on so many missions. At some point they’ll leave you. Everyone always leaves. No one wants you, so of course they will. You’re of no value. Blue doesn’t even want you. They’ll find someone better to pilot her and then you can say goodbye to all your friends- _

“Lance? Are you okay?” Pidge was asking, her face coming back into focus. 

Shit, he had drifted off. Wasn’t the point of him asking her that question to prove that he was okay? God damn it. He always messed everything up. 

_ Fix it, fix it now. She can’t notice. Don’t burden her don’t you dare don’t let any of them think something’s wrong. _

He gave her a blinding smile. “Yeah. Just thinking about this pretty alien from that last mission. Sorry, I should’ve been listening.”

She waved her hand with an eye roll. “Do you ever think about anything but girls?”

If she could only hear his thoughts. But wasn’t that the whole point? No one could know. No one was allowed to think Lance was anything but shallow and happy. He was perfect. There was no trouble brewing below the surface. No one needed to dig to get to know him. There was no issues. Don’t look past my smile, please. Just look away. Let my smile blind you,  _ I’m fine. _

He’d hurt Pidge’s feelings. Fantastic. Another fuck up. At least that's something he was good at. Ruining everything. Being a colossal failure.

“Do you not like the meal?” Hunk’s eyes were settled on Lance’s plate.

He’d barely touched it. How had he not noticed that he had stopped eating? Shit. Lance. Get it together. Eat your damn food, don’t hurt Hunk too. 

“No, it’s great. Sorry, buddy. Just a little tired.” Lance smiled, shoving a big bite into his mouth.

It was bland. Lance was sure it probably tasted really great but… he couldn’t taste. Hardly noticed the flavor over the overwhelming, throbbing  _ noise  _ of everything. Why was everything so damn loud?

Oh. Alarms. He was already up and out of the room before the others even heard them. Perks of ADHD. He heard them starting right away, before it even reached the kitchen. At least he had that. Not like it did him much good. 

He couldn’t shut things out.

Everyone was screaming directions over the comms. Shiro most of all. Pidge needed help, her lion not able to keep up with all the fire. She was small and quick, but not as much as Red. There were too many drones on her tail. 

Hunk was too far away, Keith was taking the second most heat after Pidge and Shiro. Which left Lance. He was far, but not too far. He should have got there in time. He should have seen the bolt coming for him but he was preoccupied with reaching Pidge.

His lion rolled with the hit and he could feel some sort of tingle crawl up his spine, twisting along his vertebrae. His focus was immediately taken away from that weird sensation when Pidge shrieked. And she rarely screamed. Not like that. Not like someone had just ran her through. Oh God, Pidge. Lance had let his focus slip for one moment and his failure got her hurt.

****

Lance didn’t leave the healing pod the entire time she was in there. Shiro tried to get him thrown out; the man was on a warpath. 

“Your job is to help your teammates! I don’t know what’s up with you lately but you better pull yourself together, Lance. If she… She could have died-” Shiro started, red in the face. Lance would have been bawling if he wasn’t still trembling with shock. 

Pidge did not look good. Her lion hadn’t taken all those hits well either. 

“Shiro. He gets it, okay? Back off.” Keith snapped, hand on the older man’s arm. Shiro threw the hand off and went back to pacing. 

Lance wasn’t the only one who wouldn’t leave this room. All of them felt some sort of incredible guilt for letting a kid be on the front lines of war. Sure, she was chosen, not to mention smarter than just about all of them combined. It was easy to forget Pidge was a child. Fierce, whip smart, and a strong fighter. But every time she got hurt… they all started wondering if they’d be able to live with themselves for it in the end.

Seeing her bleeding, almost unconscious, Lance could only see Maria. Little Maria… God, he missed them so much. He saw Pidge as a sister and he let her get hurt. He’d sooner take his own bayard to his head before he let that happen again.

The cryopod door finally slid away and Pidge fell out, right into Hunk’s arms. 

Lance, finally snapped out of his thoughts after hours of panic and what ifs, stepped forward, ready to welcome her back and apologize profusely as if that could possibly assuage the guilt boiling hotter and hotter, ready to drown him along with everything else he hated about himself. He was caught by the arm and swore hard, yanking it protectively to his chest. Keith looked like he had been slapped. 

“Are you okay? Did you get hurt out there too? You said that the bolt that got you didn’t do any damage.” Keith frowned, narrowing his eyes at Lance’s cradled arm.

“I’m fine, you just surprised me.” Lance played it off, trying to run an assessment on whether he was bleeding while getting Keith to back off. 

“Just. Give the others some space, okay? Shiro’s still pretty pissed. And you really look like you need some rest.” 

“Keith, wait. Is it my fault?” Lance asked, searching his friend’s eyes. 

“Lance, go to bed.” Seriousness plays in Keith’s tone before he pushes past and joins their friends in catching Pidge up to speed.

Oh God. It was his fault. It was. He almost got Pidge killed. He was worthless. He couldn’t keep doing this. He wasn’t just dragging everyone down, he was putting them all in danger. 

Lance felt strangely numb. That tingling in his spine intensified but it didn’t matter.

_ Just do it already.  _

Swiping the pills from the medbay had been too easy. Swallowing them was even easier. Heavy duty sleeping pills so he wouldn’t struggle. Heavy duty sleeping pills all of them had to take on occasion to get a decent night's rest without nightmares . Keith had noticed, Lance was sure he did. But he wouldn’t think anything of it because why would he? Happy, cheery Lance wouldn’t abuse medicine.

He certainly wouldn’t cut.

And he wouldn’t dream of doing what the real Lance was doing right now.

But that other Lance… He hadn’t been around in a very long time.

Lance was already starting to feel dizzy as he stepped off the elevator into the pool room. That was okay. The medicine was working. It would do its job. Now he just had to do his.

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV change goes as Pidge, Keith, and Lance.

Hugs from Hunk were renowned for a reason. Pidge wasn’t even a particularly cuddly person but… they were one of the few exceptions she allowed. At this moment, however, she squirmed out of his arms, patting his elbow reassuringly. While she appreciated their concern, it was always really overbearing. 

Hunk started chattering away about what had happened after Pidge blacked out because he knew how much she liked to be caught up.

“So Yellow carried you and Blue took a moment to start back up. Lance said she was lagging a little after that bolt hit, so we’ll need to check her just to make sure everything is running properly. Lance said he was okay…”

“Where is Lance, by the way?” Pidge interrupted Hunk’s spiel to search the faces of those crowding her. It wasn’t common for Lance to let others speak for him. She tried to not be hurt by his absence. It was standard procedure for everyone to be present when exiting a cryopod. As much as possible.

“He’s resting,” Keith spoke up, looking a little guilty at Pidge’s apparently obvious disappointment. “I had to force him to sleep first. He claimed to be okay after everything but… he was pretty shaken up. We all were. It was a lot of blood, Pidge… I don’t think he slept at all. Don’t worry, he’ll be rearing to apologize when he gets up. Bet you can make him a guinea pig for the next week at least.”

Everyone chuckled at Pidge’s little grin, “Bet I could get any of you to be my guinea pig for the next week.”

At least that was one perk of being the team’s “little sister”. 

_ Worthless, they’ll be better off. _

Pidge flinched at the sudden noise cutting Hunk off just as he had been beginning to continue speaking, trying to place it. The others were looking around too. Had they heard it? 

“What was th-” Pidge started.

_ At least leave a note so they’ll know where to find you. Can’t waste time searching for someone. Especially not over a piece of shit like you. Not like they’ll care. Just another mess of yours they’ll have to clean up. Replaceable, just a burden.  _

_ So tired want it to be- _

Keith seemed in the most discomfort, clamping his hands down over his ears, shoulders hitching up as he shrunk in on himself. “What the fuck? It’s so loud!”

Pidge felt her stomach drop as the voice continued speaking. She recognized that voice. The emotion was all wrong, too dark. Not as bubbly as Lance always was - difficult to recognize in its contrast. Sure, he had his moments of self-deprecation just like the rest of them but never… never like this. 

_ You hurt her. You better be the last person you ever hurt. _

Hunk understood sooner than she did what all this meant, reeling from shock at whatever this was. She was still trying to understand  _ why  _ it sounded like him. Hunk, however, had picked up on the implications, able to push aside logistics. His hand clamped down on Pidge’s shoulder and somehow it pulled her out of her inquiries. Lance was in danger.

“Guys… Lance… we need to find him  _ right now,”  _ Pidge had never heard Hunk so frightened in her entire life. Which was fucking saying something. 

She could see the recognition in her friends’ eyes as it morphed into understanding and then into panic. 

Pidge didn’t remember taking off, didn’t remember leaving the medbay. Her feet were aching as they pounded into the floor, body throbbing from slamming into corners. She felt none of it. 

“God fucking damn it, Lance. Where are you?” 

He wasn’t in his room. Nor was there even a note. Nothing. She stood in the doorway, not sure where to go from there. Her fingers twitched, desperation coursing through her. She needed to be moving, needed to be helping her friend. She clenched and unclenched her fists, trying to pull her thoughts together. Where could he have gone? Where was that  _ idiot? _

She was going to kill him when she got her hands on him. 

Okay. Deep breath. Take stock of the room. 

It was a fucking mess. Way worse than Lance usually kept it. He had a lot of stuff, but he kept it  _ neat.  _ Nothing like this. It looked like he had been searching through his things in a fit. Even if there was a note here, she’d never find it in time. 

God fuck fuck fuck. This castle was so large and frankly everything here could kill you. Where could he be?

Keith was panting as he slid to a stop in front of her. “I saw him swipe some of those heavy duty sleeping pills we keep? You know for… for nightmares. It was like the whole bottle, and I didn’t think anything of it but… I just thought… Pidge… No one can find him.”

“Okay. Go check the airlocks, the kitchen, and the main room. He wants to be found, remember?”

_ Peaceful, at least. Just like back home.  _

Keith flinched, shaking his head. “His thoughts are so loud.” 

And then Keith took off running to follow Pidge’s instructions. Keith wasn’t going to find Lance there, but she didn’t have time to run after him. Especially not if she was wrong. And she could be.

Pidge slammed her hand multiple times against the elevator button, cursing at it even though it wasn’t going to make it move any faster. Finally the door slid closed and the machine began rising steadily. So fucking slow. 

He just had to be a poetic little shit, too. Didn’t he? Pills couldn’t be enough.

At least the drama sounded like Lance.

Pidge clutched at her arms, pulling on the cryosuit. She hadn’t realized, but she had never had time to change. 

Her whole body was going numb slowly. What if they were too late?

The doors finally finally finally opened and she raced out into the pool room. She scanned the ground rapidly, eyes moving up the columns of water for any sign of him. And there, limp and unmoving, floating back-up right in the center of the pool… 

She was going to be sick.

Panic gripped her tightly and she was screaming, tripping over herself to get into the pool. 

It was hard to move in this damn suit. It definitely wasn’t meant to get wet, which just seemed like bad planning for any kind of clothing. The issue was that now she definitely couldn’t get both her and Lance out of this stupid fucking pool. She could hardly move him at all and the flip in her understanding of up and down really wasn’t helping matters. There was a reason she was never up here. 

The voice of Lance in her head had quieted into a gentle murmur moments ago and was only scaring her more. “Guys! GUYS! ANYBODY PLEASE!”

She shrieked, desperately hoping someone had the wits to check the control room or video feed in the chance of spotting him there.

Pidge didn’t have to wait long, even as she broke down crying, unable to take all this fear and desperation and feeling of absolute helplessness all at once, the others were falling into the room.

Maybe Shiro, maybe Hunk ended up in the pool with her, helping her get Lance out. 

She could feel herself turning hysterical as Lance was laid down on the tiled floor. They needed to get to a pod and oh God no he wasn’t breathing. Hunk said he wasn’t breathing.

Keith was holding her arm tightly and Lance barely had a pulse. God how long had it been? How long had he been in the water? How long had that medicine been in his system, knocking him out, making him drown  _ faster.  _

How long could a human go without oxygen before there was permanent damage? Like four minutes max? 

Could the cryopods fix brain damage? Could it fix dead? 

She couldn’t hear Lance’s thoughts anymore. Not even a murmur, like before. 

Shiro started chest compressions and his counting helped her feel a little steady; at least now she could have a good gauge for time. They didn’t have very long. It could very possibly already be too late. 

After what felt like way too long, Lance steadily paling and turning more and more blue (his color, what an irony), his whole body was jerking and making these awful choking sounds. Keith released Pidge in order to kneel next to Shiro so that they could turn Lance onto his side as Hunk started sobbing in relief. 

There was so much water spilling from Lance’s mouth in a torrent onto the floor. How could his body hold so much water inside it? Even though it was such a terrifying sight, it was even more so a relief because the more water on the floor meant even less in Lance. 

Lance’s body went limp again. He was so pale, and it was so frightening to see his dark skin go so ashen. At the very least he seemed to be breathing now, albeit  _ very shallowly.  _

Keith checked Lance’s pulse now, and Pidge didn’t like the look on his face as he and Shiro lifted Lance without exchanging words and made for the medbay.

****

Lance had been in the cryopod for almost a week now. According to video footage he had gone without oxygen for roughly five minutes. Keith was almost terrified for Lance to resurface at all. What kind of person would they be getting back? Five minutes had always felt like so little time. Now it felt like a nightmare. The cryopods were very advanced, but if they couldn’t erase scars or heal amputations, could they fix brain damage?

They had taken to rotating people in and out of the medbay to keep an eye on Lance while the others recuperated. No one wanted to leave, but they all needed to eat and get a decent night’s rest. Especially since the Galra weren’t going to stop attacking just because one of their own was dying. 

Shiro had Keith help him clear out Lance’s room on one of their first breaks. One of the things that had their attention on Lance’s cryopod readings was when other injuries were picked up that couldn’t have been caused by his… attempt. All on his left arm. Varying degrees of nasty cuts. So many of them Keith could hardly believe he hadn’t noticed them before. 

And then he remembered how Lance had flinched that night, right before… If Keith had just insisted on checking his arm maybe this could have been avoided.

What ifs wouldn’t help Lance now though.

They found a tiny knife under Lance’s makeshift nightstand. After that, any time they had on their hands , they were in his room. Scouring it for anything sharp, dangerous, or life threatening. 

How were they expected to think of everything? They were in a war. If Lance still wanted to die… if he survived at all… well, he could damn well find a way to die. 

Keith wanted to wring Lance’s neck just thinking about it. How could he even  _ think  _ about doing this to Keith, to any of them? Lance was one of the people who made up the  closest thing to family that Keith had  _ ever  _ had. And Lance somehow thought it was okay to take that away from him and for what? 

How could Lance ever think they all cared so little that no one would miss him if he died?

Hunk was barely keeping it together, and Keith was pretty sure the only reason Pidge wasn’t completely breaking down was because Hunk was taking it so badly. Shiro blamed himself. Coran and Allura were throwing themselves into finding a way to treat the ADHD they were only just hearing Lance had to avoid thinking about what might have happened. What could still happen. And Keith… he wasn’t sure if he was more hurt or more angry.

Every single damn time. Every  _ single  _ time he let himself get close, he was burnt. Again. And again. And just as he was starting to think he could trust these people not to hurt him, Lance went and did this.

And now Keith might lose him forever. 

Lance wasn’t just his  _ family.  _ Lance was maybe the best friend he ever had. If Lance survived this, Keith was going to punch him in his stupid face. And then expect Shiro to explain to Lance how important he was because there was no way Keith would be able to get those words out. 

Shiro was worried about him. Kept asking if he had cried yet. Keith refused to cry because if he cried that meant Lance was dead and not getting better and that wasn’t allowed. 

Lance had to get better.

Keith was on his way to take Hunk’s place on the seventh day. He entered the medbay and finally. Finally.  _ Finally.  _

He dropped his bayard he had lugged with him from training and bolted across the room. 

****

The very first thing he was aware of was his legs giving out on him which was funny because last he remembered, he was floating. The use of his legs shouldn’t be necessary.

In fact… nothing should be necessary because he was dead. Right?

Except everything was bright and there was something warm wrapped around him (nice, he was so cold) and a lot of noise. Wasn’t dead just quiet?

He had never really bought into his mama’s idea of afterlife. With God and heaven and everything. This was interesting.

However. His eyesight cleared, adjusting to the bright, and he only  _ just  _ saw Keith with his face scrunched up all weird before he was being knocked on his ass. 

The boy on top of him was trembling and the trembling turned into shuddering coupled with loud sobs. Why was Keith crying? Why was Keith in heaven with him?

Two more bodies dropped down with him, picking him up and holding him tight. It was overwhelming and a lot but nice. So nice to be held. Except they were crying too.

What was going on?

He managed to pry the three off of him and get a good look at their faces. Pidge, Hunk, and Keith. All red, blotchy, and tear-stained. If they were here that meant that Lance...had failed. He was still alive.

“Lance? Hey, hey. I, we, need… do you understand what’s going on? You know where you are, right?” Pidge asked, voice shaking like it was an incredible effort for her to get the words out.

He nodded, even though he was still trying to gather his thoughts. “Yeah, I’m in the medbay.”

All three of them broke into matching, blinding, genuine smiles that hurt Lance just thinking about trying to replicate. And then Pidge was throwing herself forwards again, arms bruising around his waist.

“How  _ dare  _ you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou,” Pidge chanted into his chest, only tightening her embrace with each phrase.

Lance raised his eyebrows up to the other two. Keith just crossed his arms and Hunk was still trying to stop crying. The latter looked very much like he would still like to be hugging Lance.

This was a lot of affection all at once.

“What-?” He managed to spit out to express his bewilderment.

Keith snorted, shaking his head. “That, you  _ asshole,  _ is someone who fucking cares about you and was scared of losing you.” 

And then Keith and Hunk were hugging him again. And Shiro was running into the room and that finally broke him. 

Why did all of them care so much? This didn’t make sense. He’d  _ hurt  _ Pidge. He was a pathetic loser. Why did they care?

“Because you’re my best friend and I love you.”

“Because you’re my family and you didn’t  _ hurt  _ me, it wasn’t your fault.”

“Because you’re my brother and you’re not a loser.”

“Because  _ you’re Lance,  _ and we love you.”

And for the first time in a really long time, even though he didn’t understand why all of them were suddenly acting like they heard his question, he cried in front of someone other than himself and let their embraces soothe his worries..

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Comments really mean the world to me so if you have any thoughts or feedback you'd like to give please do!   
> I really want to stress that Lance won't get better right away just because some people show that they care. It takes a long while to believe it. So please try to be patient with your loved ones. They need time, just be there for them.  
> For those of you like Lance, it will get better. I know everyone says it and you never believe it but I'm telling you it's okay to let someone in. Maybe try and gauge how they'd react to your struggles by talking about someone else struggling with the same. Be careful, but try to talk to someone. There is always someone out there who cares. You are /not/ unlovable.   
> Take care guys, I love you all! Stay safe and stay strong.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first bit shows Lance's thoughts after he left the medbay. So trigger warnings for more suicidal thoughts and not shying away from the attempt itself. Just stay safe guys.

_ Lance thought he’d be elated when he finally got the guts up. Mostly he just felt dazed. He couldn’t remember why he stopped in his room. Maybe to write a note... _

At least leave a note so they’ll know where to find you. Can’t waste time searching for someone. Especially not over a piece of shit like you. Not like they’ll care. Just another mess of yours they’ll have to clean up. Replaceable, just a burden. 

So tired want it to be-

_ He was halfway through these stupid pills and he already felt so sleepy… He didn’t mean to fall over his fan, knocking his belongings everywhere, but it made him angry. His heart hurt and he was going to die and nobody gave a fuck.  _

_ Why couldn’t he ever be someone that people liked? Why couldn’t he be more like Hunk?  _

_ He managed to stand back up, swaying a little. Hurt and anger twisted together inside him until his room was their cyclone’s aftermath and he was in the center of the mess.  _

_ Goddammit. He couldn’t even blame everyone for hating him. Look how dangerous he was. He hurt everything he touched. _

You hurt her. You better be the last person you ever hurt.

_ Why was he in this room again? Fuck it, he was running out of time. They’d be bringing Pidge back to her room to rest here soon. He did not need to get busted on his way to the pool. He probably looked high off his ass. He could barely feel his legs enough to walk in a straight line. Which was fine.  _

_ He got to the pool room, dizziness taking over in his head while his legs grew more and more numb. The room was spinning. Good. The medicine was doing its job. He might even blackout in time to properly drown himself. _

_ Lance all but fell into one of the water columns, letting it lift him into the pool. Gravity pulled him to the surface of the water and he let himself get pulled out.  _

Peaceful, at least. Just like back at home.

_ His conscious was slipping so he rolled over and fought the pull to go back below the surface. His lungs hurt and he wanted air and then it went black.  _

_ **** _

Best friend. I love you.

Family.  _ Didn’t  _ hurt me. Not your fault.

Brother. Not a loser.

Lance,  _ we love you. _

_ **** _

Lance adored his friends. They were amazing people and he wanted to do anything and everything for them. The problem was that they would not let him do anything. He had shattered their entire perception of him in one fell swoop. Even worse, they were in his head twenty four seven. Everything he thought, they knew. (A hell he wouldn’t wish on anyone, even Lotor to begin with.) It was suffocating to not be able to think things he thought every single day and them immediately taking it seriously. He had suicidal thoughts; he had unpleasant self-harmy thoughts. That didn’t mean he was going to act on every single one of them. And knowing they knew the moment he was upset because for some reason the volume escalated from gentle murmurs to shouting when his feelings were intense, it only drove his anxiety higher. 

Pidge and Coran were working really hard on scans they’d done on his brain, his body, his hormone levels and just about everything they could think of to find out what was causing the crew to hear his thoughts and how to turn it off but… he didn’t really believe they were trying too hard. Honestly… they probably thought it was some blessing being able to have an alarm when the suicidal kid on board was throwing a fit. Lance just felt like some project to everyone. 

_ At some point you’ll be well enough and they can just go back to forgetting you. _

Their constant reminders about how loved and necessary he was… it was nice but it wasn’t like he exactly believed it. In fact, if he had money to bet with he’d place it on if he could hear  _ their  _ thoughts in his head, he’d know just how much they really hated him. Not that he could think any of these things without further reminders to not listen to those pesky voices in his head.

_ They just pity you they don’t really care just stop being a nuisance don’t listen to their pretty words they just don’t want to deal with the fallout.  _

Everyone kept treating him like cracked glass: one wrong move and he’d fall apart. Again. They wouldn’t let him train very long because they thought it was an unhealthy coping mechanism for him. They’d fucking confiscated every single sharp object they could think of so the best thing that got him to calm down, unhealthy or not, was out. Yeah. It was an addiction and he shouldn’t do it. He should be happy they did that but. It set his nerves on edge. He couldn’t sleep thinking about it and the more anxious he got every day with everyone on his back… the worse it got. The only nice thing was that sleep seemed to be a friend to him. If his friends were asleep, they couldn’t hear his thoughts. So at least at night he could obsess in peace.

That was the only good thing about night time, though. As much as his friends drove him absolutely insane… nine hours alone was a lot… And knowing his friends couldn’t hear what he was thinking allowed him and his mind freedom to go crazy. All the thoughts he spent the rest of his time shoving down and overriding to get everyone to back down overflowed in the dead of the night. He had claw marks raking down his arms and legs from desperate attempts to feel some kind of anything to bring him back to reality, to remember that he was alive and also to punish him for worrying everyone.

Lance wanted to be better, to be doing better but… he was still just hurting everyone. They shouldn’t have to worry about him so much. They kept saying that they didn’t mind, that they loved him but… their normal routines were fucked because no one trusted him enough to leave him alone.

This was only the second night they were letting him sleep in his room by himself. Locks disabled, of course, and his bathroom  _ was  _ locked and he had been so pissed about all of these safety protocols they put into place but… turns out they had a point. His hands were shaking so badly and he  _ wanted,  _ just wanted to be able to do something without needing his friends to approve it. Needed to feel like he was doing something… Everyone was so fucking  _ nice  _ but he didn’t deserve nice. He hurt his friends and was still hurting them. He wasn’t supposed to be hurting anyone anymore. And now he couldn’t even at least hurt himself to make up for it.

The more he thought about it, the less he could breathe and the less his fingernails helped. They couldn’t tear his skin open and after the first week of pretty serious abrasions, his nails were kept clipped and dull. 

Why did everyone have to care so much about him? Why couldn’t they have just let him die? Why did they need to search his stupid room and find his stupid blade? He wanted it so bad. Wanted the weight of it in his palm, wanted the press of it on his skin. It was too much. Lance couldn’t breathe he couldn’t fucking breathe and he was just so tired. Nope. No. He couldn’t take it anymore. Fuck this. 

Lance stumbled into the halls, knees totally jello as he made his way to the kitchen. He leaned onto the counter as he tugged drawers open looking for some kind of sharp object. Their bowls were a no go; he couldn’t break them even if he wanted to. There was nothing. Nothing nothing nothing  _ nothing.  _

Pressure against his back cleared the fog a little. He turned around to find Hunk and Keith in front of him. Keith was looking a little groggy, Hunk wide awake, both so goddamn concerned. 

“No!”

“Lance?”

Lance grabbed Hunk’s arm to push him out of the way, but his legs wouldn’t move. “What… What’re you guys...?” 

“Lance, come on. Let’s go back to bed.”

“ _ No!  _ I can’t. No no no no no no,” Lance was shaking so hard. He moved his hands back to himself, wrapping his arms around his chest, fingers digging hard into his arms. Lance felt like he was going to fall apart. He had nothing. No control over anything. He couldn’t die properly, couldn’t make his friends happy, couldn’t hurt himself, couldn’t stop hurting e-

“Hey, knock it off. You’re not hurting me. Okay?” Hunk said calmly, reaching out to him.

Lance flinched away, shaking his head. He opened his mouth to say something but his throat was all closed up. 

_ You have to let me, let me  _ please  _ I can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t please, Keith just give me- _

Keith shook his head, drew forward himself, and pulled Lance into his arms. “Just focus on breathing okay?”

Lance couldn’t focus on breathing because he couldn’t think about anything except this awful itch in his skin, the desperation in his chest. The stupid cryopod had healed his scabs and old cuts into faded enough scars he couldn’t tear them back open, couldn’t pick at them. There was nothing he could do. He was utterly useless.

He could see the exasperation on Hunk’s face and knew Keith was making a similar expression. Both of them wanted to make this better. To help him cope through this attack, bring him back to reality, and then never have this problem again. But he was too fucked for that. And he kept letting everyone down. He should have just died. He should be dead. They would all be better off.

Lance could feel Keith tense up around him. The increase in tightness did help actually. It almost hurt and it relaxed that desperate bubble pushing so hard on his lungs, his ribs. Keith held even tighter and despite the constraint Lance could almost breathe again. His arms still itched terribly but it was a little easier to ignore. When Keith was sure Lance was calm he pulled away. 

Hunk rested a hand on Keith’s back and Lance furrowed his eyebrows at the silent conversation they seemed to be having. “What?”

Keith shot Lance a hard look before shaking his head. “Nothing.” 

“Oh. So you all get to be in my head and know literally everything but when you’re upset… I’m… What? Too fragile to know what’s going on?” Lance demanded.

Keith clenched his teeth, looking back at Hunk before huffing and approaching Lance again. “Fine. I know you can’t… control your thoughts, okay? I know it’s not as simple as us being able to say the right thing and you stop being suicidal, okay. I just hate… I  _ hate  _ that you think- Everyone, everyone I have ever fucking cared for has… they’ve left me. Whether they died or just abandoned me because... Everyone except for this group, and that means… fucking, fucking  _ you.  _ Shiro, Hunk, Pidge, you… you’re my family _.  _ So… just. You can’t say that we’d be better off because I’d just be- we’d just be…” Keith gritted his teeth and instead of finishing, pushed past Lance and started to walk away. 

Lance wasn’t sure what to say to that. God, he wanted to believe all of that so much. He’d never had someone say that to him before. He came from a really big family and was frankly pretty used to getting looked over in the masses. It’s why he made himself so loud and kind of obnoxious. It got attention. However, no one had ever…  _ chosen  _ him as family before. Not even Hunk. 

Why would Keith choose him? The others all had great qualities, he got that. But Keith made it sound like Lance was some big part of Keith’s family, an  _ important  _ contribution. 

Hunk sighed quietly. “Are you hungry, Lance?”

Lance shrugged, thrown off by Hunk’s random question. Hunk was already moving around the kitchen getting supplies from the cupboards.

“You know, Coran and Allura are almost done with a new patch for your ADHD.” Hunk mentioned as he set his items down on the counter. 

“Oh?” Lance hummed, leaning his elbows onto the counter and resting his chin in his palms. He felt really drained all of a sudden. Would Hunk be offended if he went to bed?

“Try to stay awake, buddy.” Hunk smiled in amusement. “Here, you can help me. Start peeling the skin off these.” 

Hunk slid over a bundle of crescent-moon shaped disks. They had a tough skin that had to be broken near the stem in order to get at the pods inside. Hunk used them often in meals because they were a team favorite. Tangy flavor, kind of like a hybrid of mangos and lemons. 

Lance got to work and was surprised to notice how it settled his hands. He didn’t feel as shaky as before. It had been awhile since anything got his hands to stop shaking. Lately he was always on edge and not even his normal fidgeting helped anymore. 

“Do you guys, uh, know what’s causing the thought-broadcasting yet?” Lance mumbled. 

“Causing? Yeah. Pretty sure it was Haggar. Keith and Pidge were talking before dinner and remembered how you took that bolt? The one headed for her lion? Anyways, they think that Haggar intended for it to cause specific damage to Green but since you intercepted it, it didn’t work right. I saw it hit your lion, too. Right in the back of the head. Pidge has a theory…” Hunk trailed off as he got caught up in mixing the blue pods Lance handed over into his concoction. 

“Theory on how to fix this?” Lance prompted hopefully.

“Oh. Uh, not yet. But she thinks maybe something happened with your and Blue’s connection to cause things in your head to be heard by everyone? She’s going to run diagnostics on your lion and probably the others too tomorrow. So it’s a step in the right direction. 

“Honestly… I know this is really frustrating for you, and I want to make it better quickly so that’s one less trigger but. Lance I’m kind of worried. You don’t talk to us. And I know you’re scared of burdening us, it’s just that… we  _ want  _ to help you and if we don’t know what’s going on we can’t do that.” 

Lance’s hands were shaking again. “I… Hunk, I just. I can’t. I can’t… I, you guys just have all this important stuff to do and, I don’t know.” 

“I don’t expect you to believe me, at least not right now, but you  _ are  _ important. Absolutely nothing we have to do is more important. Do you know how… how much I would hate myself if I found out I had been all absorbed in making  _ dinner  _ while you were hurting? You’re our friend, you’re important _ ,  _ and you’ll never be a burden. And we’ll keep telling you until you believe it.”

“That’s really nice of you… I guess I just, honestly… I don’t know how to believe that.”

_ You’re only important to form Voltron _

“Lance,” Hunk looked at him quizzically for a moment. “You know you’re more than our leg, right? We’d fall apart without you. Everyone here works way too hard. We all get caught up in everything. When Pidge gets hyper-focused, you’re the only one that can get her to put her project down and get some food and sleep. You’re the one that figured out how to get the video game console connected to the castle so we all could have some break time and clear our heads. You were the only one to actually back Keith up when Shiro went missing and help make him a great leader. You’ve been really patient with Shiro ever since he got back. You help Allura when she misses her planet, you’re Coran’s favorite, and… Lance… When I thought… When I thought you were dead… I never once even thought about Blue. I kept thinking about my mom and how you’re just like her and… How I couldn’t lose you because, because you’re the nicest person I know and if you died who else would help me in the kitchen and actually laugh at my jokes and be my best friend? You can always get everyone to actually laugh and I didn’t think I’d ever see anyone on this ship smile again if you, if you died and I couldn’t imagine not seeing you smile again.”

“Hunk… I’m not as nice as you…” Lance muttered, not knowing what else to say after that. 

“Will you please just stop putting yourself down? I don’t want you to be like me or anyone else. Because then we’d be out one Lance McClain and you are  _ important.”  _ Hunk held his gaze meaningfully for a moment longer and went back to beating the mixture.

“I… I don’t know why I can’t shut everything else up and just take that… I want to.” Lance bit his lip. No, he wasn’t going to cry. 

“It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault, okay? It’s hard to break down everything you think about yourself, change your self image completely. We’ll get there one day. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on little successes. Like what we’re doing right now. You’re doing a perfect job with these fruits and they’ll make great pastries for everyone to enjoy. Just be happy with this right now, okay?” 

And that, Lance could actually do. 

****

“Keith, can we talk?” Lance was stood in Keith’s bedroom doorway. Keith looked up from where he was sitting on his bed. God, his eyes were puffy. Another person Lance had hurt. Funny, he rarely put Keith on a hurt-able radar. 

“You know, I’m still human.” Keith muttered bitterly. 

“I know. I’m sorry… You just… You’re always tough and… nothing I say ever seems to do more than piss you off.” Lance shrugged, staring intently at the floor.

“Lance… sit down.” Keith sighed, sliding his legs of the bed to make room for Lance. 

“Did you…” Rubbing his neck wasn’t helping him feel any calmer or less embarrassed. Keith probably didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it, couldn’t mean it. 

Keith was suddenly in his face, hands on his shoulders, and a frightening expression in his eyes. “Dammit, Lance. Do you have  _ any  _ idea… I don’t just…  _ say  _ those kinds of things. Of course I meant it.” Keith dropped his hands, wrapping his arms tightly around his middle as he fell back away from Lance. “When I thought you were, were- I just couldn’t  _ breathe.  _ I kept seeing my father die and my mother leaving and Shiro disappearing over and over and you wanted to leave me to and you… you still want to leave me. You can’t do that. Do you hear me? I won’t go through this again. I won’t. I won’t lose another family member. So, just. Please work through this, stop believing all that bullshit in your head because you are not allowed to die.” Keith was gasping for air, hands clenching and unclenching near his waist. 

“Okay, okay…” Lance put his hands up slowly as he approached Keith. “I’m not… I’m not going anywhere.” Not like they’d let him.

Keith grabbed at Lance’s raised wrists, squeezing hard. “You don’t have to calm me down. And don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Look… I know it’s not as easy as I want to be. You don’t just turn those thoughts off. I just hate hearing it. I hate not being able to do something about it.”

Lance fell silent. He hated that hopeless feeling too. It sucked.

****

“Alright, so I’m pretty sure I’ve worked out the kinks in what’s causing your broadcasted thoughts. I ran tests on the lions and there was serious tampering with the Blue lion. It matches Haggar’s brand of magic and that same pattern shows up on all of your brain scans. So I checked my connection with Green to see how much I could work with it and I’m certain we can lower the reach of your telepathic bond with Blue.” Pidge rocked back and forth on her heels excitedly. 

Finally, some good news! Pidge could fix this whole mess and he’d finally have some privacy.

“However, I have one rule… And you’re not going to like it.” Pidge’s bubbly energy faded into a serious frown. 

“Okay? Just tell me.”

“You have to talk to one of us when you’re feeling down. I agree you deserve to have privacy and we don’t have a right to an all access pass to every bad thought but… we aren’t going to know anymore if it’s serious and… I refuse to see you die again, asshole. We want to help you, but you have to let us in. I don’t care who you talk to but, just do it. Promise?” Pidge didn’t beg ever but this seemed pretty close.

“Alright, fine.” Lance sighed. “Just please reverse this stupid spell already.”

Pidge searched his eyes for a solid minute as if she couldn’t hear the sincerity in his freaking thoughts. She gave a firm nod and pulled Lance forward to get started. 

It’d be nice to have his thoughts be his own again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments mean the world to me but more importantly take care of yourselves guys <3  
> Also thanks to everyone who helped me with this. I can't believe this last chapter was almost the same size as the other two chapters combined and I wasn't even planning on writing it in the first place. You all inspire me, so thank you.  
> Have a great day. Hope this final chapter was worth the wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be safe guys. The point of the first chapter is to show what goes through the head of someone struggling with suicidal thoughts and also to work through my own emotions. The point of the second chapter is to help you see that people care even when you think they don't. I know it's hard, especially with that voice in your head always saying otherwise. But /someone/ cares. You impact people every single day. People you don't even know.  
> If you are struggling with depression or in a crisis there are people that volunteer every day to talk to you, especially if people in your life won't listen or you can't tell them.  
> National Suicide Prevention- 1-800-273-8255 (call)  
> Crisis Text Line- 741741 (text)  
> Online resources include IMAlive and 7cupsoftea (two of my favorites).  
> Please don't be afraid to reach out. Someone is willing and wants to help. Even if the first time doesn't work out, please keep fighting. I know you're tired and every day is so hard, but please. Keep trying.


End file.
